Healing
by slincoln0000
Summary: I changed the ending a little, but that is not apparent in the beginning. Femshep/Ashley - Healing after the war.
1. Chapter 1

Kallian woke up in a cold sweat and an arm wrapped strongly around her waist. She looked to her right and saw that Ashley was wide awake and preventing her from moving.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Long enough," Ashley replied as she sat up. "Come on, sit up for a second."

Shepard obeyed, but her body protested the movement. Ashley grabbed her and leaned her against the wall. "Shirt off," she said. Kallian moved a little to help as Ashley pulled her sweat soaked shirt off and threw it on the ground.

"We're doing this now?" Shepard said with a smirk that didn't reach her eyes.

"Not funny, Skipper." Ashley rolled over and grabbed a pill bottle and a glass of water from her side's end table. Kallian was about to protest, but Ashley silenced her with a look. "Just take it, Kal. If you don't I'm waking Chakwas up and she can inject you with a sedative." Shepard closed her eyes for a moment and sighed, but she accepted the pill and water from Ashley and lied back down. Ashley pulled her closed to her and put her arm back around her waist. She waited to go back to sleep until Kallian's breathing slowed, and she watched as Shepard's eyes began twitching in response to another nightmare. At least she wouldn't wake up this time.

Around four o clock, Shepard woke back up and turned her head to look at Ashley. Sometime in the night she had moved so that her head rested on Ashley's shoulder and her hand on Ashley's stomach. Her scars sore, she closed her eyes in a pretend sleep until Ashley woke up at six. Shepard kept her eyes closed, but Ashley didn't fall for it.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Not too long," Kallian answered.

"Uh huh. Nightmare?"

"A little bit."

"I don't believe you."

"Don't worry, Ashley, I'm getting better...and now I'm going to take a shower."

Ashley stood up and walked to Shepard's side, but as she went to help Kallian stand up, the captain shook her head. "I can do it on my own," she said, but grimaced as her legs hit the ground.

"Just shut up, Skipper and grab onto my arm." Kallian sighed, but obeyed. Ashley helped her into the shower before she messaged Chakwas to come up.

…

Ten minutes later Kallian was still in the shower and Chakwas was setting up her equipment by the bed.

"How did she sleep last night?" Karin asked.

"Not very much, I don't think. I gave her a pill around two, but with her metabolism I'm not sure how long it lasted."

"I know. Miranda is helping me find a solution to that problem, but so far we haven't come up with anything.

The door to the bathroom opened and they both stopped speaking. Shepard sighed when she saw the doctor, and allowed Ashley to help her to the bed. Ashley kissed her forehead quickly before going to take her own shower, giving Shepard privacy with the doctor. Chakwas gave her a robe and turned around to give her privacy. A few moments later she heard a sharp intake of breath and turned back. Shepard had one arm in the robe but was clutching her side with her other arm. Without speaking a word, Chakwas helped her put it on and then guided her back onto the bed.

"How are you feeling?"  
"Pretty much the same, the scars ache a little."

"By little I'm guessing you mean a lot. Don't worry about the slow progress, not even the nanites in your bloodstream can make the wounds heal in only a couple weeks."

Beneath the robe scars crisscrossed the captain's right side and wrapped halfway across her stomach. Angry red lines also marred the right arm and her neck. A scar down the right side of her face was beginning to fade, but it would never go away completely. Most of her body was bruised from the many surgeries, though they were already fading from the dark purple to a bluish color. She had woken up from a coma a few days earlier to find her body broken, and she still hadn't come to terms with her appearance. Scars she had, but never such extensive evidence of her trauma.  
"Guess the outside matches the inside, yeah?" Shepard joked.

"It's comments like that…the scars and bruises will fade. You can get the scars removed if you choose to. But you're right, I'm more concerned with your mental health. The lieutenant commander informed me you haven't been taking the pills I gave you or been sleeping enough."  
"I've been sleeping. So what's the verdict? Am I healing properly?  
Chakwas sighed. She opened the robe and applied medigel to the wounds, as it would alleviate some pain. She then had her sit up and try to lift one leg at a time and hold them horizontally. Shepard's left lug buckled, and she grunted in pain. A tear leaked out of her eye, and she closed them.

"That hurt a bit."

"Not surprising, considering the extent to which that leg was crushed. It's only due to Miranda that you'll gain full mobility back. She wants to start rehab tomorrow."  
For the first time that morning, Shepard grinned. "That's great news. I've been going stir crazy. I've been in this bed for weeks."  
"Yes, and for only three of those days you have been conscious," Chakwas chuckled. "Get some rest, I'm having a plate of food brought up and I've instructed Ashley that you are to eat all of it.

Kallian stood as soon as the doctor left and limped towards her closet. She was still struggling to put a sports bra over her head when Ashley walked out of the bathroom.

"Damn it, Kal. Could you have waited five minutes."  
"I need to be able to do these things on my own."  
Ashley grabbed the sports bra and began helping her into it. "No, you need to be able to ask me for help and accept it even when you don't ask. You can't heal on your own, and I want to help you. I need to help you. She was careful with Shepard's left leg and took note of the hiss of pain putting it in the sweatpants brought out. Finally she had her clothed and carried her back to the bed, ignoring the protests. She laid her in comfortably then went to get changed and grab their breakfasts.


	2. Chapter 2

While Ashley was gone, Kalllian opened up her omnitool to read her messages. Communications were still down, largely, but she was still getting updates from Alliance Command and the Council. She sighed when she saw how many unread she had. It seemed that even in a coma there was a lot people asked her for. A message from the Shadow Broker made her smile. Liara had sent her messages every day for when she was unconscious, each message filled with notes from her crew. There was one from Ashley too. It was a poem by Emily Dickinson, one of Ashley's favorites.

_ Hope is the thing with feathers_

_ That perches in the soul,_

_ And sings the tune without the words,_

_ And never stops at all._

_ And sweetest in the gale is heard;_

_ And sore must be the storm_

_ That could abash the little bird_

_ That kept so many warm._

_ I've heard it in the chilliest land_

_ And on the strangest sea;_

_ Yet, never, in extremity,_

_ It asked a crumb of me._

But then there was a message from Anderson, dating before the Normandy arrived on Earth.  
_Shepard. Kallian. I'm hoping I can say this to you in person, but since I don't know - I'll write this to you and hope you don't need to read it without me. I know we'll win this war, because I know you. But I don't know if I'll still be here when we do. There's so much I'd like to say to you… I don't have much time. You'll be here soon, and you'll win this for us. If things were different…I think back on our time together, and I wish I could have done more for you. Not that I'm not damn proud of you. You've overcome so much; I can't help but blame myself for not being there for you enough. All the time we could have spent together if things had even been slightly different. If I die, don't you dare blame yourself. You've been a daughter to me ever since I picked you up off the streets. All I want for you to remember is that I have loved you for as long as I have known you. You are my only child, Kallian, be happy. You know neither of us are much for sappy things, and so I pray to God we can split a bottle of whiskey and laugh as you read this. Anyways, I'm glad I'll get the chance to tell you how much you've meant to me, and how sorry I am. _

_ Remember, this victory, it's on you. When this war is over, I'm going to make up for all the times I've failed you. I promise. _

_-David_

"Fuck!" Kallian sobbed and slammed her hand on the table next to her. It didn't hurt enough, and so she slammed it again, not caring when the table dented and her bones cracked.

"Shepard!" Ashley nearly dropped the tray of food she carried as she rushed over. "What the hell is the matter with you?" Angrily, she grabbed the damaged hand and saw it was already swelling. "Shit, Shepard, Chakwas is going to love this."

Kallian looked at her for a moment before sobs racked her body and she raised both hands to her head. She couldn't breathe, she was hyperventilating. Ashley grabbed her and held her to her chest until the sobs turned to tears running down Shepard's face. "Kal, what happened?" Wordlessly, Kallian showed Ashley her omnitool and rested her head against her shoulder until the crying slowed. Ashley kissed the top of her head and was silent for a few moments. "I'm sorry, Kal. I knew the two of you were close, but I had no idea how much you cared about each other. He was the one who got you out of the gang?"  
"I lived with Anderson and his family for four years before I joined the Alliance. He travelled a lot, but at the time he was stationed on Earth."

"Why didn't you tell me any of this?"

"You know… There's a lot I don't say…about my time there. Even now. I guess the time never came. But, Ash, without Anderson…And he thinks he failed me?" Tears began streaming down her face again, and she threw her head into her pillow. Her chest contracted painfully as the sobs stretched her scars.

Running her hand through Kallian's hair, Ashley gave her a few moments before speaking. "Chakwas needs to come look at your hand, Kal. It'll be a few minutes though, do you want to talk about Anderson?" Smiling when Kallian nodded, she messaged Chakwas and lay down next to her.

"I was somewhere around fourteen, I think. Probably a couple years younger, but I had no idea how old I was. The Reds had become the only life I knew. Performing jobs for them was the only way to get food and shelter for me and Luke."

"Who was Luke?"  
There was a pause, and Shepard smiled sadly. "My brother. When I met Anderson, he was gone, and so I was alone. I hated the Reds, but they did awful things to me, and they wouldn't let me leave. Several times I'd tried running away, but they always dragged me back. They needed me. I was good, very good, at tech and modding weapons. Without me they wouldn't have an edge over the other gangs. We were in the streets, me and a few of the gang. A small girl appeared, holding this little doll. One of the guys. Paul. He liked little girls, and the others were happy to help him. They grabbed the girl's arms and I knew what was going to happen. I saw Lucas. I started screaming to draw attention, and they came at me to shut me up. They were strong, but I was fast and so angry. I didn't care what happened to me, and so when the blows started I didn't flinch. I still remember…I danced between them, striking when I could. But I was small and not as strong. Then I managed to grab a gun, and I shot Paul. It's hard to remember now, but when the bullet hit him and he started bleeding, I was happy.

That's when Anderson came. He saw the state of the girl's clothes and me with the gun standing between her and the men, and he knew what happened. When the gang saw him, they grabbed Paul and ran off. Paul was still alive, but I knew he wouldn't last long. At first I was wary of Anderson, but he was talking softly, and I was reassured. I can't remember what he said, only that when he told me to come with him, I resisted. But I was covered in bruises and bleeding, I don't even know how I was still standing when Anderson got there. He carried me to a hospital, taking the little girl with him. She had parents, I didn't. Anderson stayed with me, asking questions the whole time the doctors were stitching me and putting my bones in place. Eventually, he got out of me that I was a part of the gang that had beaten me, and that the man I had killed was a part of it too. If they got me again, I can imagine what they would have done. Even now, the old fear hits me sometimes. Anderson took me home."

The door hissed open and Chakwas entered the room, her face a mask of fury that dissipated slightly as Shepard continued speaking. "Karin visited us a lot. At first it was to 'speak business' with Anderson, but eventually I figured out it was to check up on me. I was still badly hurt, and no adults had ever taken an interest in me like Karin and David before. When I joined the Alliance, we could only keep in touch via email, but after Akuze David made sure she was posted on the Normandy."

"Yes, well fat lot of good that did. Fifteen years with me and you still think you need to put your fist through a table to get me to visit you," Karin interrupted.


	3. Chapter 3

"You're right, Doc. I'm sorry. Next time I'll just have Edi page you." Shepard answered.

"Shepard, the likelihood that you broke your hand in order to have the lieutenant commander call for Doctor Chakwas is very slim. I find it more plausible that the effects of the letter weakened your already strained resolve."

Chakwas smiled as Kallian's face fell and began splinting the injured hand. "If you do this again, Captain, I am going to force you into psychiatry instead of allowing you to make that decision for yourself. The only thing that prevents me from it now is that it is not as bad as –"

Shepard's eyes widened and Chakwas cleared her throat with a quick glance at Ashley.

"Right, I'll leave you two to it then. "  
Ashley stood up and looked down at Kallian. "Not as bad as what, Kallian?"

"Just don't worry about it. It was nothing."

"Chakwas said it was worse than you breaking your hand on a bedside table. What did you do?"

"I…broke both my hands. And almost died a couple times. It was after Cerberus woke me up. Please, Ash. I don't want to talk about this anymore. "

Shepard attempted to run her injured hand through her hair and ended up getting the splint caught. Ashley laughed at Kallian's grimace and the conversation fizzled out while she helped untangle her hair.

"Lawson is going to come up here while I go fill out some reports for you and coordinate the repairs in the cargo bay. Will you be all right for a while?"

Kallian rolled her eyes and replied evenly, "I think I can mangage. I'm going to get caught up on some things."

"Kal…you're supposed to be resting. The reports upset you."

"Like I said, I can manage. See you later."

For a moment it looked like Ashley wasn't going to leave, but finally she just sighed and kissed the captain's forehead before leaving.

Ten minutes later she went to step back into the elevator and found Miranda already there. Their was an awkward silence until Miranda commenced to glare at her, as usual.

Eventually, Ashley spoke. "She broke her hand this morning. An email from Anderson set her off."

Miranda's glare subsided into a tired, worried glance before her gaze hardened once again. "Damn it. This is almost as bad as when you-" She stopped speaking and began to fiddle with her omnitool.

"She told me."

Surprise flickered across the operative's face. "Did she? I'm not sure she did if you can say it so calmly."

"She broke both her hands and almost died after Cerberus revived her."  
"Is that what she said? Well yes, it was after Cerberus revived her I suppose, but then so was everything that happened after we did that. If you really want to know, Commander, I suggest you dig more deeply than that. But then, maybe not, it might trouble Shepard more than I'd like."  
The elevator dinged and Miranda stepped off onto the Captain's deck.

…..

Miranda didn't _hate_ the lieutenant commander, but at some moments it felt like she did. How could that woman not guess the only other time that Shepard would be traumatized enough to act so violently against herself? And now she'd done it again and Miranda hadn't been there to stop her. She'd seen the email, she should have known what would happen. _Damn it_, she thought.

Anger boiled beneath her, but it faded somewhat into pleasure when she caught sight of Shepard leaning over her desk, using her broken hand to stabilize her upright position. Pleasure mixed with annoyance, of course.

"Captain Shepard. Good to see you disobeying orders once again."  
Grinning, Shepard turned around and stood. "I don't know why you people think keeping me from doing my job is going to help aid my recovery."

Miranda merely looked at her and Shepard stopped smiling. "They need me, Miranda."  
Miranda gently drew her into a hug and whispered, "It's good to see you standing on your own." Then she drew back and scowled. "Broken hand and all."  
"Right, right. It's good to see you too though, I heard I have you to thank for being able to stand at all."

"Yes, you do. Now get back into your bed before I carry you there."

Kallian was about to dare her to try, but then she remembered that her hand was broken and she could barely walk. In fact, she might even need Miranda to lean on in order to make it back to that side of the room. One step forward confirmed that, and Miranda caught her as she stumbled. Without a word, she put one of Kallian's arms around her shoulders and together they walked back to the bed.

"I think you should tell Ashley what really happened last time. She's going to

find out eventually."

"No. It would only hurt her, Miranda."

"Not as badly as she hurt you."

"I've moved past it. I know you don't think I have, but I did."  
"No, I do think you have. That's part of the problem. You move past

everything and eventually it is going to catch up to you, if it hasn't already," Miranda said, eying the bandaged hand.

Ignoring her, the captain leaned against the wall and started running up news sources on her omnitool. Death counts and reports of destruction began sounding in the room until Miranda reached across her and switched them off.

"No. Chakwas told you to rest, Shepard. There's no point in listening to that when it's going to upset you that you can't help."

"I'm not made of glass, Miri. I need to know what's going on."

"So ask me questions then, I'll tell you about the rebuilding plans and the new governments. There's going to be a lot for you to do once you're back on your feet, I promise. For now, it's all we can do to keep the news crews and government representatives off the Normandy.

"I'll just catch up later, when I'm not being babysat by everyone around me."

"Don't be petulant, Shepard. It doesn't suit you."

Shepard grinned and pulled Miranda down next to her. "Come on then. You said you'd teach me chess until I can finally beat Traynor."


	4. Chapter 4

Just a very short chapter so I can start getting back into things. It's been a crazy year, but I am hoping to start getting serious about updating!

"So. You and Traynor, huh?" Shepard said as Miranda's queen took down one of her

pawns.  
"Yes, we are fairly evenly matched."

"That must make for some interesting sex," the captain replied as she surveyed the board. Straight-faced, she moved her knight into position, "Check."

Miranda blanched, "I suppose I set myself up for that one. You've been

practicing…this is the first time you've had me in a check before. However, you forgot your knight was protecting your king from my bishop." Kallian's king virtually exploded and Miranda jumped.

"What the hell was that?"  
Shepard laughed. "I made some improvements. You should see what happens when

you take down a queen."

"Chess is a game of tactics and precision. You can't just make things blow up!"

"I didn't, you did when you beat me. Anyways, it makes it more realistic, since real life tactics don't work on here anyways."

"Real-tactics? They work, Shepard. Just not your tactics."

"I already had this argument with Traynor. You're not going to convince me to see the 'rationality' of creating pieces, named after bishops no less, that can only move diagonally across a wooden board. And then the whole army falls if you lose one piece that can't even do shit? Nope."

"I'm sure Sam was truly horrified."

Miranda already blushing at her slip-up, Shepard grinned. "Sam? Yeah she was."

"Fine. Yes we are officially together, and yes, it's pretty…great,"

Reaching across the chessboard, Kallian touched Miranda's hand, "I'm happy for you, Miri. And you two…make sense, for some reason."  
Miranda smiled. "Thank you, Shepard. It means a lot."

Shepard leaned back against the headboard and closed her eyes.

"You're tired. You should get some rest, Shepard." The haunted look reappeared in Kallian's eyes when she opened them and she shook her head with a sad smile. "I'm good. I really would like to get some work done, or at least get back to my emails."

"You can't have this argument with everyone who cares about you. The war's over, Kallian, you did it. Leave it to the rest of us for a little while."

"You don't get it, Miranda. I can't. If I stop…" Kallian blinked and stopped speaking abruptly. I just can't."

"I may not care for Ashley, for reasons you know, but she told me about your nightmares. Is that why you won't sleep?"  
"I've had nightmares my whole life. It's nothing I can't handle."

"They're getting worse though, aren't they? Shepard, talk to me."  
"Miranda, please go. I need to be alone for a while."

Miranda sighed but got up to go after one last squeeze of Shepard's hand. "I'll see you tomorrow to start rehab and I'll send someone up to stay with you for now. Don't argue, it can be Liara if you want, or Garrus."

Kallian's face darkened but she said nothing, only jerked her head slightly in acknowledgement. A sad look appeared on Miranda's face, and she left as Shepard brought her omnitool back up to scroll through more emails. Death statistics, injuries, the loss of those who used to be under her command. Things sure to add to Kallian's burden.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey Joker, can I ask you something?"

Joker jumped and spun around in his chair, "Jesus LC, you can't do that to a guy.

Brittle bones mean anything to you? I could break my neck or something."

Ashley smiled thinly, "Joker, it's about Shepard."

Joker's face went still, and he took his hands off the console. "Sure, what's up? Is everything okay?"  
"It's something Dr. Chakwas said, about Shepard nearly dying? And breaking both her hands?"  
Something in Joker's eyes changed, but he joked, "Shepard, nearly dying? You've got me on that one, Ash. Shepard's the safest one on this ship."  
Rolling her eyes, Ashley answered, "It was after Horizon, wasn't it?"  
Joker winced. "Well there were a couple of the worst instances after that, yes. And then there was after Mars. That wasn't good. And then there was the Collector Base. But now that I think about it that was probably still because of Horizon. Yeah those times were probably worse than Shepard's normal dose of daily death defying behavior."  
"How do you mean?"

It was several moments before Joker was able to respond. "It's not like she was seeking death, but it was like she didn't care anymore. I mean don't get me wrong, she was seriously fucked when she woke up in a Cerberus facility and everyone she cared about was gone, but this was worse. At least then she still thought she had something to fight for. But after Horizon…well it was gone. She was like a machine, a real machine. She was reckless…out of control.

And her hands…I wasn't there for that, but it was on the video feed of the shuttle bay. Edi locked me in. She dismissed everyone the second they got back from Horizon, and then when they left, she just collapsed. I've never seen her look more defeated. Not even after Bahak. Then she stood up, walked to the wall by the shuttle bay, and just started beating on it with her hands. There was blood everywhere by the time I got Chakwas down there, and Shepard didn't say anything the whole time. Just sat there while the doc patched her up, her eyes were all empty-like."  
Nodding slowly, Ashley responded, "Why did you decide to tell me? Everyone seems to be going along with Shepard's desire for me not to know."  
Joker's eyes hardened. "Because you should know. You really hurt her, Ash. She may have forgiven you, but a lot of us still haven't. She's Commander Shepard and we are _her crew_. When you hurt her, well you betrayed us. Not to mention she's my best friend, and you seriously fucked with her head. At the time Shepard wasn't even sure who she was anymore. She got drunk once and told me she thought she was more machine than human. Then you came along and told her she wasn't the same, and it got all the wheels turning in her head again. That she wasn't the same, that you would know more than anyone…Anyways. I thought you should know."

"Joker…I"

"Don't get me wrong, LC. We all failed Shepard at one point. Hell, I killed her. But she forgives us all, every time. But you already know that."

Ashley stood frozen, before asking "Can I see them?"

"What?"  
"The videos. Can you send them to me?"

"I don't know, Ash. Shepard will be mad enough that I told you."  
Edi suddenly chimed in, "Transferring the footage to your omni-tool now, Lieutenant Commander."

"Thank you Edi. And Joker…I'm sorry." Ashley left as Joker turned to Edi, an exasperated expression clear on his face.

…

Not wanting to return to the loft before watching the footage, Ashley went to the starboard observation room and sat against the wall. Then she started pulling up the footage from the helmet feeds. She started with Garrus' feed of a mission on Tuchanka; Shepard was fighting a thresher maw.

_"Shepard get out of there!" Garrus yelled._

_ Shepard ignored him, her armored head not glancing behind. Then she threw off her helmet and stepped out of cover. Rolling out of the way of a stream of acid, she stood and threw a biotic punch at the maw's face. A shotgun blast ripped off one of it's teeth as its mouth opened. _

_ "Shepard, move!"_

_ The maw screeched and lunged forward; Shepard just jumped out of the way. The maw was prostrate before her, just for a moment. Again, she blasted at its neck, the vlose range tearing a hole in its neck._

_ Just as the maw went to lurch to the side, Grunt tackled Shepard, whooping. Shepard lay on the ground as if waiting, raiding up her gun automatically. The maw went to swallow her and Grunt before both blasted their guns straight into its open mouth as a shot from Garrus' rifle hit its eye. It fell and Grunt ran to its head smiling. A shot rang out but Garrus' feed stayed fixed on Shepard, who stood unmoving, gazing at the creature that almost killed her with a look of utter despair._

Ashley switched rapidly to a feed from Moridin's helmet on another mission on Tuchanka. Garrus was with her again, it seemed.

_Garrus and Shepard were ducking behind cover as three krogan stood on the other side of the walkway shooting. Then a shot struck Garrus' shoulder. He grunted in pain and Moridin moved forward, presumably to give medigel. Shepard glanced to the side and saw the wound. She stood shouting._

_ "Bastards."  
She ran forward, ducking under fire, her arm holding a biotic shield around her. A krogan charged and she rolled before shoving him off the side with a biotic push. She charged the next krogan and blasted her shotgun in his face. The last krogan remaining was a Battlemaster. He charged her and Shepard stumbled back. Then she raised her head, smiling, before charging back into him, striking him directly. _

_ Moridin used incinerate to stagger the krogan, and Shepard took advantage. She used throw to smash the krogan against the wall, and then switched to her pistol. Two shots hit the krogan's eyes, and he fell, dead._

The video from the shuttle bay after Horizon blinked at Ashley, and she finally opened it.

_Tali approached Shepard the second the team got off the shuttle. She put her hand on Kallian's shoulder, "Shepard…" she whispered._

_ You could see Kallian steel herself and she gently removed Tali's hand. "I'm okay, Leela._ _I just need to be alone._

_ Tali hesitated before nodding, and she followed the rest of the team into the elevator. Shepard stayed staring blankly into space._

_ The moment the elevator doors closed, she sank to the ground and tears began to flow. Then sobs wracked her body and she curled into her knees. For a few minutes she stayed like that, until suddenly the tears stopped. She stood and walked calmly to the wall and then just screamed once before slamming her fists against the wall. Each blow seemed to bring a measure of calm to her face until it was stone. Still, she continued._

_ By the time Doctor Chakwas got there, her hands were bloody pulps. She ignored Chakwas' questions before finally speaking, "What am I?"_

Ashley slowly wiped the tears off her face and began controlling her breathing. The bar called to her, but she stopped herself. _What have I done?_ Shepard was the unbreakable one. She faced hundreds of enemies, she stood down armies at Elysium and survived a thresher maw attack on Akuze. But, Ashley had broken her. Before Bahak, before the Reaper war, Shepard was already broken.


	6. Chapter 6

Ashley rose up from the floor and began pacing furiously. She knew she fucked up on Horizon, but she never thought about how Kallian had reacted… she guessed she never wanted to think about it. And after Mars she was in the hospital. But still, given what she said…Kallian must not have reacted any better. Maybe worse. She winced thinking about it.

The image of Kallian's bloody hands pounding against the metal walls stuck in her mind. So did the dents that Kallian was able to inflict. Now she understood even more Kallian's confusion about her identity. Ashley knew she was still Kallian, at least now she did, but sometimes she could still see a question in Shepard's eyes, a question which she could not identify: _Am I even human?_

Her resolve faltered, but Ashley knew she needed to confront the captain and find out more about what happened. The physical reactions she saw, but she didn't know about what Kallian was thinking, or if she was still thinking the same things. There was still something broken in Kallian, and all Ashley could do was hope it wasn't because of her. She couldn't help thinking that maybe if she had supported Kallian, stayed with her like the rest of the crew, that the burden would have been something Kallian could handle.

But that was wrong, she decided. And egotistical. Either way Horizon went, she knew Kallian would have taken all of the deaths and bore them on her own shoulders. It was just the way she was

…

When Ashley arrived back at the captain's deck, she found Shepard asleep with her head on Liara's arm. Liara looked to be in a very uncomfortable position, but when she saw Ashley she beamed. Ashley returned the smile. Kallian looked relatively peaceful, it was good to see her resting. Her frown returned when she saw Shepard's injured hand, resting gently on her side.

Liara attempted to gently escape Shepard's position, but the second she moved Shepard shot up in alarm. Confusion played across her face before she looked to both Liara and Ashley and grinned sheepishly. "I fell asleep, didn't I?"

"No nightmares?" Ashley asked.

Shepard winced and glanced at Liara before shaking her head. "You were shaking in your sleep, Shepard," Liara said while looking at Ashley. "I should go. Everyone is having dinner in the mess tonight Shepard, we are all looking forward to seeing you. I'll see you later." Liara touched Kallian's arm and smiled, and then went to the elevator. It was silent for a moment after she left.

"I brought you lunch," Ashley finally said.

"Great, thanks."

Ashley brought the tray of food and watched Kallian struggle with the fork and knife. Gently, she took them away from the captain and cut the rations into smaller pieces. Shepard blushed furiously but nodded in thanks.

There was silence for a few minutes. Shepard was stretched out, eating slowly, and Ashley sat on the edge of the bed fidgeting.

"Miranda didn't tell you anything, did she?"  
"She didn't have to. I saw the videos." Ashley looked away, refusing to meet Shepard's eyes. She was scared of what she might find. If that dead look her actions had brought to them might return in recollection.

"Ashley, look at me." Shepard sat up, wincing, and grabbed Ashley's chin to turn it towards her. "It wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have expected you to see me after two years, with Cerberus, and think that I could actually be real."

"Maybe Horizon. But I should know you, Skipper. I should know you more than anyone else and I'm the only one that failed you. I nearly destroyed you."

"I was already fucked. I didn't know if I was real. You hurt me yes, but we're both to blame."

"And on Mars? The Citadel? I nearly shot you because I didn't trust you."

"You know that's not true. You would never have pulled the trigger and neither would I."

"Your hands…let me see them." Shepard winced but did as she asked, putting the non injured hands in Ashley's. There were faded scars that Ashley now recognized for what they really were. A sign of the distrust and pain that she caused the captain. "You were going to die because of me. They couldn't tell, but I saw it in the videos. You were going to win the war and then you were going to die. Not because it was inevitable, but because you wanted to."

The haunted look returned to Kallian's face, and it was her turn to look away…she couldn't show that that feeling still remained sometimes. That it only went away when she was with Ashley or her crew. Alone and among strangers, Kallian wondered if she deserved to live.

"Why did you forgive me? Or have you?"

The captain tried to fully sit up, but she winced and Ashley gently held her back. "Please, Shepard. You have to rest."

"Then come down here." Ashley hesitated, but Shepard set her features into stone and stated firmly, "I won't tell you until you're next to me."

Finally, Ashley moved so that she was next to her, her back against the wall. She sat stiffly until Shepard grabbed her hand again. "I forgive you, and I forgave you because I love you. I know you, Ash. If I thought for a second you didn't know me now, then maybe I couldn't forgive you. But you finally made me feel like_ me_. When you look at me now I know I'm not just a copy."

Ashley smiled slightly, but it faded quickly. "But…"  
"But nothing," Shepard interrupted. Awkwardly, she lurched forward to be face to face with Ashley. Then, softly, she pressed her lips to hers. After a moment, Ashley returned the kiss, moving her hand to Shepard's back to support her."  
When Kallian went to deepen the kiss, Ashley moved away."  
"You really need to rest."

The captain scowled. "If you keep saying that, I might not forgive you for it."

Ashley grinned and responded, "I do it because I love you. Now finish eating, I know you're pretending to eat more than you are."

"I…"

"Do it or I'll spoon feed you."

"That threat is getting old." Still, Kallian's face turned a shade of red and she started eating. Content, Ashley rested her hand on Kallian's leg and smiled.


	7. Chapter 7

They sat there quietly, content in each other's presence. With the Reaper war just ended and Shepard just having woken up, these moments had been far and in-between. Eventually, Shepard swung her legs over the side of the bed and moved to stand.

Ashley sighed. "What are you doing."  
"Standing. There doesn't happen to be any coffee on this ship does there?"

"About that. Dr. Chakwas doesn't think it's a good idea for you to have any caffeine. Not with you hardly sleeping as it is."  
"Fuck that. I'm not dealing with these headaches."

Frowning, Ashley responded, "You were in a coma for several weeks, any physical side effects from caffeine withdrawal should be fine. If you have a headache I think Dr. Chakwas and Lawson should come up here."

The captain closed her eyes and breathed before answering. "I'm not calling a doctor every time my head hurts or my scars stretch. I'm telling you, if I get some coffee I'll be fine."  
Ashley hesitated, knowing that if she refused to let Shepard leave the room she would only get angry with her. She knew Kallian really hated being denied the ability to do things on her own. And over the years she had come to rely on caffeine and stimulants to get her through the war. It was over now, but Kallian refused to accept that her role was diminished. Ashley knew all this, and so she helped her partner walk to the elevator.  
"Wait."

Ashley stopped and looked at Kallian questioningly. "I need to put on my dress blues. My crew should't see my like this."

"They know you're injured, Skip. They're not going to think anything of you looking like person normally looks after having a building dropped on them and waking from a coma."  
Kallian smiled grimly. "No one sees me as a normal person. Not anymore." As Kallian pushed off Ashley and limped towards her closet, Ashley struggled to find something to say. She supposed it was true. Shepard was larger than life now. Her friends knew her as a human, but the rest of the crew would lose some resolve if they saw that even Captain Shepard was struggling with the war's aftermath. Shepard needed to be their strength, their hero that would never fail.

"I see you as a normal person. A bullheaded and stubborn normal person."

"I know you do," Shepard grinned. Then she paused before speaking again. "Would you help me put these on? I don't think I can lift my leg on my own."  
"Great. You can't lift your leg but you want to wander around the crew deck drinking coffee and pretending you're not injured." Regardless, Ashley went and helped her change.

"It will be good for the crew to see me on my feet."

"Or foot, for that matter."  
"Shut up."

Ashley's omnitool lit up and interrupted their banter. She froze. "Kallian. I need to go do something. Please, can you wait here for five more minutes? I'll be right back, I promise."

"What happened?"  
"Hackett needs to speak with me."

"Hacket? I should get down there."  
"Kal, just trust me, okay?" Shepard wanted to protest, but the earnestness in Ashley's eyes forced her to respond in the affirmative.

"Go. I trust you."

Quickly, Ashley spun to leave before realizing she'd abandoned Shepard leaning against the wall. "Shit, sorry." Grabbing the captain's arm, she half-carried her to the couch before kissing her briefly and nearly running to the door.

…

Miranda, Tali, and Liara were already waiting outside the conference room by the time Ashley made it down. Tali was pacing worriedly and Liara was attempting to calm her down.

Miranda looked up and spoke, "Garrus is in there now trying to stall for you. The councilors are all on the line, including Councilor Perry.

Tali stopped pacing to yell "That stupid boshtet! They'll never leave the captain alone, will they?"

Squaring her shoulders, Ashley put her hand on Tali's shoulder, "They can try to use Shepard, but she has us to protect her this time." Tali smiled beneath her helmet and nodded her head towards the door.

Inside, Garrus was arguing with the turian councilor. "Order me around all you like, Sparatus, but I'm not leaving the Normandy."

The human councilor, Perry, interrupted them when he saw the lieutenant commander. "Where's Shepard?"  
"Like I told you last time, she's still in and out of consciousness. Hardly in any condition to give your damn speech," Ashley retorted.

"How are we supposed to do that when we aren't allowed to see her!"

"The doctors at the hospital agreed to allow her to continue treatment on the Normandy once she woke up," Garrus snapped, jumping in.

Hacket smirked in the background. "Councilor Perry, I'm sure that the lieutenant commander will allow us to speak with Shepard when she is feeling better. There will be plenty of time for speech giving once things have cleared up for a while."  
Perry grimaced. "Earth is in ruins-

"All our homelands are in ruins-" Sparatus shouted.

Fine, the galaxy is in chaos. A speech from Shepard could give the people hope!"

"You just want to use Shepard and turn her into your stupid symbol. Hasn't she given enough?"

As Ashley said this, the asari councilor stood.

"Councilors, please. There is no need to rush anything, the rebuilding efforts have just begun."

Sparatus and Perry stopped speaking and Garrus crossed his arms. "Now, with all due respect, as acting captain I have duties to perform. The Normandy is scheduled to make a drop soon."

Tevos gave her assent and Ashley disconnected the call.

"That was close, Garrus."

"We're going to have to let them see Shepard eventually."  
"I know." She put her head in her hands.

Together, they walked to those waiting outside. The crowd had grown: Grunt, Jack, and Kasumi standing with the first three. "We bought some time," Ashley stated.

"Thank the Goddess," Liara exhaled.  
"I'll bash their heads in if they bother Shepard. Shepard is a warrior! My battlemaster is no one's puppet.

Jack left to tell Vega the news and Grunt followed. "That sounds like a good idea to me," Garrus stated. "Hell, we can all bash their heads in."

"Now that I have this body, I can assist if the need to physically restrain the council arises…That was not a joke."  
As Garrus clapped Ashley on the back, he and the others began to file out. "We'll see Shepard tonight, right?"

Hoping this was true, Ashley nodded her head. Inside she wondered if Shepard was really ready to face all her friends.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for the follows/reviews/favorites! Summer is here, so I am going to start updating this more regularly. And eventually things will happen. I just wanted to explore their relationship before getting into the other crewmembers and what the Normandy does next.**

Shepard was not in her cabin. Suddenly frantic, Ashley was about to page Edi when she realized where the captain must have gone.

Sure enough, when she got to the crew deck Kallian was standing in front of the memorial wall fully clothed in her dress uniform. Ostensibly, she was fine. It was probably impossible for anyone who didn't know Kallian well how difficult it was for her to be standing upright. One hand was seemingly casually leaning next to the wall, but it was supporting her whole body weight.

Softly, Ashley approached and placed a hand on Shepard's soldier.

Without turning her head, Shepard whispered, "So many dead, Ash." Her hand traced the name of Moridin before moving to Thane, Anderson, and resting on Kaidan's. "They're all dead."

"And not because of you," Ashley responded. "It the damn Reapers, and the ones who wouldn't listen to your warnings. You did everything you could and more…Mordin, Thane, Anderson…Kaidan, they'd be the first ones to tell you that."

The captain closed her eyes and a tear leaked from a corner. "It's hard to believe that."  
Drawing Kallian closer to her, Ashley stated determinedly, "It's true."

Not believing her but also not wanting to worry her, Kallian half-smiled and turned away from the wall. She nodded once. "I came here for coffee, let's get coffee."  
Ashley groaned. She really wasn't supposed to let Shepard drink caffeine. "Promise me you'll take the sedative tonight? Otherwise I'll tell Chakwas and she'll have Edi watch you."

Kallian hesitated before finally saying, "I promise."

As Ashley breathed a sigh of relief, Shepard attempted to walk towards the cabinets but almost tripped. "I may have overdone it getting here by myself," she grinned.

"You think? Come on, grab onto me." Sulking, Kallian obeyed.

"How did you even get down here?"

Kallian didn't answer, merely shrugging her shoulders. Ashley squinted suspiciously, but they were interrupted by the arrival of Tali. "Shepard!" She flew into Shepard, nearly knocking her out of Ashley's grip before realizing her mistake. Backing up, she drew Shepard into a gentler hug. "It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too," Shepard laughed.

"You used your biotics, didn't you?" Tali looked at Ashley confusedly, but Kallian's shoulders slumped. She didn't answer. "Tali, would you mind taking the captain to her quarters until the team gets assembled at 1700?"

"Oh, of course, Ashley." Ashley was gentle when she eased Shepard's arm to rest around Tali's neck, but the look she gave as she walked off was anything but.

"What was the about? What's wrong with your biotics?"

"Nothing, I'm just not supposed to use them."  
"And you did? Oh, Shepard. No wonder Ashley is angry. You should have seen her when you were missing, and then when you were in the coma. The way she never left your side…well most of us forgave her for Horizon after seeing how worried she was about you."  
"Most of you?"

"Well…Shepard most of us were with you after Horizon and Mars. You changed."

Shepard simply nodded her head as they stepped into the elevator. Once she was seated on the couch, she spoke again. "You don't need to stay with me you know. Ashley thinks I can't be alone, but I can."  
"It's not Ashley, Shepard. You have that look in your eyes. The one you had after Kaidan died except its multiplied. It goes away sometimes, but I could see it when I mentioned Mars…You know you can talk to me."  
Smiling softly, Kallian answered, "I know, Tali. And I'll be okay, don't worry."

Inside her helmet, Tali sighed, but she let the matter rest. Shepard was never one to confide in anyone, even her firiends.

"Do you want to watch a movie?"  
Kallian burst out laughing. "What?"

"A movie, Shepard. You know, something people do in their spare time?"

"I feel like I haven't had any of that in years. You're not going to let me get any work done, are you?"  
"What work could you possibly have. Garrus is acting captain and Ashley his acting CO, you are on leave."

"A movie it is then. You choose."

"I know a great movie on the war between the quarians and and the geth that Leg- the geth find very interesting. It's completely inaccurate, but that only makes it more interesting.  
"A documentary that's been proved to be completely fictional?" The captain laughed at Tali's exuberance, despite the pain at Tali's miss with Legion's name. "Let's watch. For Legion."

"For Legion," Tali whispered.

…_._

Kallian did not see Ashley until Tali helped her to the mess hall later that evening. Tali led her to sit next to her, but neither woman said a word to the other. As everyone else settled in, they proceeded to ignore each other all the while pretending not to. Tali fidgeted nervously each time she looked at them.

Somehow, the Normandy crew had acquired copious amounts of alcohol that they had saved in anticipation of Shepard's recovery, and Zaeed presented Shepard with a bottle of whiskey he had held onto for her since a raid on Earth. Ashley glanced at Shepard angrily when she poured a drink, but Kallian ignored her. She wanted to be drunk.

Garrus clinked glasses with her and they each downed a glass. If turians could grin, Garrus' would have spread across his entire face. "Get better quickly, Shepard. I know you pulled that shot on the Citadel. It's time for a rematch."

"I had to give you something to maintain your huge ego. What would I have done if you lost your confidence and started missing more shots than you already do?"

"Now you're just trying to save face. Next time we land it's you me and bottles to shoot until I win fair and square." A glance at Ashley caused him to amend his statement. "Next time we land and your'e better, of course."

Shepard said nothing, only smiled and sipped her whiskey. Around her, her crew was getting drunk. Sam was proving to be a lightweight and was nearly sitting on Miranda's lap. Oddly, however, Miranda didn't seem perturbed at the public affection. Not even when Jack whistled at them.

"Should you really be drinking, Captain?" Ashley whispered. "You can't take your sedative after drinking alcohol."

"Well that's too bad then,_ Lieutenant Commander_. I'll have to do without," Shepard quietly responded and proceeded to down the rest of her glass.

The dinner went relatively smoothly, with everyone genuinely happy to be back on the Normandy and with their promoted commander on the mend. Most wouldn't be on the ship for long, but they took advantage of the time they had. Everyone was there for Shepard, with a few faces missing. Jacob was with his new wife and Samara had returned to the monastery to be with Falere.

Eventually, Shepard stood and proposed a toast. "To those we lost." Silence spread across the table until everyone stood and raised their glasses in a silent salute. "Thank you all, for being here. It's good to have the crew back together, even for a little while. It means a lot to have you here with me."

"Fuck Shepard, I'm only here to get the hell away from my respectable lifestyle," Jack yelled. "And to convince Miranda to let me give her a tattoo."

"Go to hell, Jack. It's not going to happen." Miranda responded without venom. After they served on the same squad on Earth, they found themselves growing mutual respect for each other.

Shepard smiled distantly, ruminating on the faces that she wouldn't see again.

…...

It was Tali and Liara who half carried the drunken Shepard back to her cabin. Ashley had left the dinner shortly before with a look at Tali to make sure she could help. Once Tali nodded, she left without a glance at her partner.

Tali and Liara left Shepard on the bed after she assured them she was fine, but when Ashley went up to the cabin hours later to get her things, she found Shepard sitting on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands.

"Why are you awake?" She asked angrily.

Kallian raised her head and looked at Ashley. Her eyes were red and that look had returned to her face. She shook her head slowly, but Ashley's continued stare brought her to answer eventually. "I can't sleep alone."

"Then don't." Ashley walked to sit next to Kallian, and, hesitatingly, wrapped her arm around her. "You're drunk, Kal."

"I did fall asleep. I was dreaming and when I woke up I was alone." Shepard refused to look at Ashley.

"Do you want to tell me what you were dreaming?"

If Shepard was sober, she would have refused to answer. But, in her drunken state, Shepard was always more open and honest.

"I hear them whispering. Now I hear David too; I hear the last things they said to me. I can't find them though, but I keep looking. Then it changes, it always changes. I see Earth burning and Bahak exploding. And I can't look anymore, but I can't close my eyes."

Not knowing what to say, Ashley merely held Shepard tighter until Kallian finally began to sob. She placed her head in her hands and leaned forward, and Ashley gently pulled her until her head was resting against her chest.

Eventually, Kallian started laughing. "You're still mad at me, aren't you?"  
Ashley paused. "Of course I am. You don't seem to care about yourself at all."

"If I talk you know they'll put me on forced leave, or say I'm unfit for duty. You know that would break me. So I do care, it's why I need to stay on the Normandy."

"Then talk to me, Kal. I'm not going to report you to the Admirals; I'm your partner in this."

Shepard turned her head into Ashley's stomach. Ashley heard her whisper, "Okay."

"All right. Come on, drunkie, let's get you to bed." She removed Kallian's boots, but then realized how difficult it would be to remove the rest. "Why the hell did you have to wear your dress uniform? Come on sit up."

Shepard moved to do so, but then fell on her back groaning. "I can't. The room is spinning." She promptly passed out.

Sighing, Ashley moved Shepard so she was at least lying vertically on the bed and went to get ready herself.


	9. Chapter 9

**Just a brief interlude; I keep meaning to get in the habit of writing longer chapters, but life gets in the way. I am gathering ideas on where to take this story – things will pick up once they get back to the Citadel! This is my first attempt at writing, so bear with me, if you please. **

Shepard woke up a few hours later and looked at the clock. It was early, but with the time difference from the separate systems, the Council would be awake. She stood and groaned quietly, careful not to wake Ashley. Grudgingly, she grabbed a crutch from next to the bed and made her way to the comm room. Sam looked up from the console and glanced at Shepard in surprise before saluting with a nervous smile. Around her, the other crew members on the morning shift grinned and saluted as well. It was the first time most saw her since she was brought on the Normandy.

A few moments later Kallian was alone in front of the console. She breathed heavily. Then she punched in the code to contact the console. Seconds went by and then four holographic figures stood before her.

"Captain Shepard, this is unexpected," Tevos said, speaking first.

"Yes, your crew has been insisting that you were unable to answer our hails." Sparatus folded his arms, taking in Shepard's battered appearance and her heavy reliance on the crutch at her side.

The human councilor jumped in immediately. "Shepard. We have new orders for you that require you to turn the Normandy around. We need you to make a speech at the celebration ceremony in a few days. The people demand to hear from you."

Shepard stiffened. "I highly doubt the _people_ are demanding anything, Councilor. Nice to meet you, by the way. The Normandy is running supplies to a colony in desperate need of food right now; there is no way in hell I'm ordering her to turn around."

"We understand Shepard, the councilor surely didn't mean to suggest you abandon the current run. However, we ask that you return to the Citadel as soon as this mission is completed," Tevos said calmly.

"Where is Admiral Hackett?"  
"Admiral Hackett is not present for the Council's closed sessions, _Spectre,"_

"So it's Spectre now? Spectre when you need to remind me of my place? I'll be at the Citadel in a few days. We can meet and discuss things further then. I have a few _requests_ of my own…Shepard out."

"Still hanging up on the Council, Shepard? Good to see some things never change," Joker's voice sounded from the ceiling.

"Still eavesdropping on my private meetings, Joker?"  
"Right. Sorry, Comm-Captain."

Shepard smiled at his sarcasm before leaning against the wall and switching off the microphone. She stood there, putting her head in her hands, and closed her eyes. _How much more will they ask of me?_ Eventually she straightened her uniform and turned to fae her crew once more.

…

Ashley was waiting outside the comm room, pacing furiously. Garrus stood by, appearing calm but his fringe was moving nervously.

"Shepard-"

"You've been preventing the Council from speaking to me?" Shepard asked.

Garrus moved forward, "You have to understand, Shepard. They wanted to ask you to be their figurehead as soon as you woke up. We didn't want to let them-"  
"I know. Thank you."

Kallian lowered her eyes to the ground and paused before continuing. "They want me to go back to the Citadel. They want me to give a speech…I don't know what they'll want after that."

"We'll figure it out, Kal. You are in a different position than you were before. You have all the races on your side."  
Shepard turned away and whispered, "No. Not all of them."

Ashley began to speak but Kallian raised her hand. "It's okay, Ash. And Garrus, thanks again. I'm resuming partial command of the Normandy, but I will still need help with running the ground operations."

"Of course, Shepard. It's good to have you back. I don't know how you deal with being in charge of a crew like ours," Garrus attempted to lighten the mood. "I was sick of being captain after an hour on the job."

Kallian smiled at her friend and put her hand on his arm. "You did great, Garrus. I'm proud of you." Garrus' fringed flicked upwards again, this time in pleasure."

"Thanks, Shepard. It means a lot."

Ashley gently touched Kallian's shoulder. "Come on, Kal. We need to get you ready for your first session with Lawson."

…

"I'm going to get the krogan, the volus, and the elcor seats on the Council." Shepard said abruptly on their arrival at the cabin. "I'm sick of the specieism and fake goodwill of the leading races."  
Laughing, Ashley responded, "You win a galactic war and you immediately want to upset a centuries old system of power? Only you, Skip…But I wish you didn't go speak to them today. You shouldn't stress yourself out."

"If not now, when?" Tossing her crutch to the side, Shepard attempted to walk to the closet without using her biotics in front of Ashley. "There's still so much I need to do."

"Can't you let the rest of the galaxy take care of things for once?"

"How will they do that Ashley? Who else can make sure the subjugated races get their share of a say in the way things are run? I don't want to be in this position, but I am. I need to take advantage of the leverage I finally have over the other species and our own. And the salarians…They need to be punished." Shepard went to slam her fist against the wall, but instead collapsed against it…"God I hate this." Her voice cracked as she choked back a sob.

Ashley went to wrap her arms around the captain, but she instead just put her hand on her arm. "I hate seeing you like this, you know."

Kallian turned around, her face haunted and dark. "I'm sorry, Ash. I don't mean to…I don't mean to hurt anyone, especially not you."  
"Kal, don't. It's not –" Kallian stepped back, out of reach of Ashley's hand, as the door hissed open. Miranda walked in staring at a datapad in her hands. She looked up and hesitated, sensing the tension, before speaking. "Ready, Shepard? I set up the equipment in the medbay so you can have some privacy."

With one last glance at Ashley, Shepard nodded and allowed Miranda to support her as they walked out of the room. Miranda sent a glare over her shoulder at Ashley, her eyes accusing her more than words could.


	10. Chapter 10

**Got bored…so here you go! Next chapter is going to be the Citadel, I think. **

The scars on Kallian's face did nothing to detract from her beauty. At least, that's what Ashley was thinking when Kallian returned to the nest after her session with Miranda. She was smiling, and there was a spark in her eyes that hadn't been there since she woke up from the coma. And, if anything, the scars only focused her attention more on the vibrant green of her eyes. Black hair that had fallen out of its pony tail hung on the side of her face, and beads of sweat glistened on her lips. When she saw Ashley, she grinned before grimacing.

"Well this hurts."  
Ashley laughed and approached. "You need a shower. Go, I'll be here when you get back."

Shepard moved to step forward but then groaned. "Ash? I can't move."

"That's the first time you've actually asked me to help you. Or was that you asking?"  
"Please?" Ashley walked to the door and hoisted one of Kallian's arms over her shoulder.

"So this is better than using a crutch?"  
"Well I keep thinking that I won't use a crutch, and then I get stuck somewhere without it. So no, this is probably worse."  
"Come on." Together they walked to the bathroom, where Ashley helped Kallian undress and helped her into the water. She was not expecting to be pulled under the water with her.

"Shepard!"

Shepard's lips found hers before she could continue protesting, and Ashley quickly forgot about her wet clothes as Kallian moved her hands to take Ashley's shirt off. Her hands slid down her shoulders until they rested above her waist, and Ashley gave a quick intake of breath before finally breaking the kiss.  
"Shepard…we shouldn't."

The captain's lips moved to her neck, and Ashley groaned. Giving up all thought of resisting, she gently pushed Shepard back. Shepard's face fell until Ashley grabbed the sides of her sports bra and pulled it over her head. Then their lips crashed together once again.

…

Eventually they stood there under the water contentedly. Shepard was leaning heavily against the wall, Ashley washing her back. It amazed her how beautiful Shepard could be, even after everything that had happened. Her skin, usually tanned, was pale in the harsh bathroom lighting. The paleness highlighted the dark scars and bruises that marred her body, and accentuated the effects of the extended bedrest Shepard had been on. Once sculpted muscles had retreated somewhat during the coma state, but her body itself had remained unchanged. Water cascaded off Shepard's shoulders and Ashley very nearly grabbed her to turn her around again.

Instead, she gently kissed Shepard's neck. "I didn't think our first time since the night before London would be shower sex."  
Shepard turned of her own volition and pressed her lips briefly to Ashley's. "You've been thinking about our "first time?"  
"Oh shut up, Skipper. You know what I mean." She brought her hand to Kallian's face and traced the scars there. She rubbed them with her thumb before her eyes softened and she kissed her again.

"Come on. I'm sure you have a lot to do since you declared yourself acting captain without consulting me or Dr. Chakwas.

"Don't start this. We both know each other's arguments."

"You can't walk, Kal. Do you really think it was a good idea to relieve Garrus?"  
Shepard's eyes darkened and she stepped out of the shower. She hated having to have Ashley help her walk and dress when they were arguing, but she couldn't get to the closet without her.

"Can we wait to have this conversation until we are both clothed and dry?"

Ashley said nothing but put her arm around the captain's waist and helped her into a uniform before doing the same.

Eventually, Kallian spoke. "I didn't relieve him from full duty, Ash, but if the Council is going to have me giving a speech, the crew needs to see me somewhat returned to duty. I can't take all the time in the world to heal, the galaxy won't let me."

"You can take more time. The galaxy can screw itself…And you're wrong. It's you that won't let you rest. You still have that weight on your shoulders, the weight of the whole war. The war's over, but you still feel like it's your job to save everyone."  
"I can't not, Ash. I have too much to-" Kallian trailed off, knowing that Ashley wouldn't like where she was going with her logic.

"Too much to what? Atone for? I know that's what you think."

"And what? Is that wrong? I killed _three hundred thousand_ batarians, Ashley. I let countless asari die on Thessia. If I was a little faster at anything I did, I could have saved thousands of more lives. It goes through my head all the time. I see one more child, one more sister, brother, daughter, whatever saved if I'd been any better at what I was doing. They're not just numbers to me. I see their faces.

_I am the cause, I am a stockpile of_

_ chemical _

_toys, my body_

_is a deadly gadget,_

_I reach out in love, my hands are_

_guns,_

_my good intentions are completely_

_lethal._

"Who wrote that," Ashley whispered quietly.

"Margaret Atwood."  
"I didn't know you were still reading poetry."  
"I started again after Horizon. That one stuck with me."

"I don't think that is what she meant, Skipper. Your good intentions saved us all."  
"I didn't save anyone. I wish everyone would stop saying that! I'm a soldier, I did my job, just like everyone else did theirs. I just could have done mine a little better."  
"Stop with all these what ifs, if onlys. You did _everything_ you could have. If you think you're just a soldier, than you shouldn't act like your some sacrificial martyr on whom all the blame for the war's setbacks can be blamed. You want to go with what ifs? What if the Council listened to you? What if the Alliance didn't hang you out to dry? What if _I _made sure that your warnings didn't fade away after you…died? There are so many what ifs, Shepard, and they can be asked about each individual. If everyone did something a little differently, then yes, maybe things could have changed. But even God doesn't work that way."

Shepard closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall. When she opened them again, they were tired. "It's getting late, I should start catching up on all the reports if I'm to be reporting in in a few days. And I need to contact Hackett…We'll talk later." Their eyes met briefly before Shepard grabbed her crutch and went to her desk.

"I'll grab you something to eat, I'm sure you didn't stop at the mess after your session."  
As Ashley left, she finished the poem Shepard had been reciting in her head.

_Each time I hit a key_

_on my electric typewriter,_

_speaking of peaceful trees_

_another village explodes._

She wondered how often Shepard had recited those lines when she rested during the war. Or when she rested now.


	11. Chapter 11

The next few days went by without any major changes. In-between her rehab sessions with Miranda, Shepard returned to some of her duties. She contacted Hackett, who encouraged her to make the speech, but assured her that he would have her back with her new plan for the Council. Ashley almost confronted Hackett; after everything he asked Shepard to do during the war, she thought he should let Shepard do whatever the hell she wanted. If that meant not allowing the weight of the war to be placed on her once again, even though it was finished, then so be it. However, Hackett was still her superior, and she knew Shepard wouldn't appreciate it. And so she remained silent.

Ashley accompanied the supplies to be dropped off at Feros, and Shiala asked after Shepard. Remembering what Shepard told her about Shiala's flirtations on Illium, Ashley curtly told her that she was fine. She put down the spike of jealousy she felt when Shepard returned the question about Shiala's wellbeing when she got back on the ship. So she told Shepard she was fine in a less curt voice than the one she used on the asari.

When they arrived on the Citadel, Kallian was tense. Ashley went up to the loft where Shepard was putting on her dress uniform and wrapped her arms around her waist, resting her head on the captain's shoulder from behind.

"You sure about this, Skipper? Give the word and we can go rogue, take the Normandy to an uncharted world and live out the rest of our lives in the sun."

Shepard smiled and turned in Ashley's arms, kissing her gently. Ashley returned the smile, relieved. The last few days had been slightly off between them. "It'll be okay. I'll be okay."

"Okay." Ashley said. "But, I'm coming with you to the meeting."

Kallian hesitated before nodding her head in assent. "Might as well take Garrus too, He'll want to be there."

…

The Citadel was still largely in ruins. The Presidium was being repaired first, of course, Shepard noted grimly. The keepers were everywhere, piling rubble and restoring electricity. With Garrus and Ashley on her left and right respectively, Shepard walked into the Council chambers, Ashley at her side, ready to steady Shepard if her leg gave out.

"Councilors."

Tevos bowed her head in greeting. "Captain Shepard, thank you for coming. We have much to discuss."  
Sparatus spoke next, his mandibles flicking. "Firstly, we wanted to thank you for your efforts during the war. You played a great role in our victory, and for that we can never thank you people look to you now as the symbol of hope for the galaxy. You are a hero, and they will look to you now for hope and unity in the rebuilding efforts. We ask you to speak on our behalf, and their behalf, to calm them and encourage everyone to maintain their optimism and drive for the restoration of balance."

"Are we also going to acknowledge how different things had been, if you'd just listened to me?" Shepard asked.

The Council was completely silent for several moments before the asari councilor bowed her head again, this time in sorrow. "Yes, you are right of course. And for that we will forever be in your debt."

"Not in my debt, Councilor. The debt of those who could have been saved, maybe. But it's too late for them."

They all started to speak at once, but they fell silent when Shepard raised her hand. Garrus and Ashley looked at each other, acknowledging the power that radiated from their captain, allowing her to silence the universe's leaders with merely a gesture.

"I'm not here to argue about that, however. I'm here to tell you I'll give a speech, but it will be _my _speech, and in it I am going to reveal my hopes for the future. That's the only warning I'll give. When do you want me to speak?"

"Captain Shep-Tomorrow afternoon."  
"At the Presidium center?" At their nods, Shepard said, "Okay, I'll be there." She turned and looked at Garrus and Ashley. "Councilors." Ashley and Garrus followed her out, neither sparing a glance for the discomfited leaders.

"That was…amazing," Garrus said as soon as they left.  
Shepard slapped a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you, I was tempted to lay into them a little bit more, but they seemed shocked enough. Just wait until they hear the speech I plan to give."

Garrus gave her a turian grin. "Can't wait to hear it."

…

When they finally arrived back in the cabin, Shepard's shoulders slumped and she gave up part of her façade. "How many of the crew do you think will leave, now that we are docked here? I know that Jack will need to go – and Grunt, and Tali will probably want to go to Rannoch. That probably means Garrus will want to go with her. I don't know when they'll want to leave, maybe not this time we are here. Liara can be the Shadow Broker from here…I'm not sure she'll want to. Miranda will stay, at least for a while, as long as Oriana remains." Pacing furiously, she continued, "Wrex is here. And Eve. They messaged me; I'll need to see them before tomorrow, they should know what I'm planning on doing, and Wrex can back me up, make some demands if the Council won't hear it –"

"Skipper."

"Samara might come by, it'd be good to see her. I should see Kolyat too, see how he's doing."

"Kallian!" Ashley moved to stand in front of her and placed both hands on her shoulders. "Slow down."

Kallian stopped moving and avoided Ashley's eyes. "I don't want anyone to leave."

"I know. I don't think anyone is leaving in the next few days, Kal. They all want to be here. Grissom isn't running yet, so Jack's students are just being housed on an Alliance ship right now. They're inactive until the Academy is continued, so don't worry about that. Jack is on leave. And everyone is staying for a while. And Joker and I are with you, whatever happens."  
"I know Ash, and I appreciate it…It's just…"  
"I know. Just don't worry about things like that for a while, yeah?"  
"That reminds me. You know the Normandy isn't an Alliance ship, right? Not technically."

"Right."

"Before Anderson…died. Before he died, he officially signed it over to me. Hackett told me yesterday…So whatever happens, the Alliance can't take it away from me."

Ashley laughed, "That's great! From what it sounds like you're going to do tomorrow, I was a little worried."  
"Me too, the human councilor is not going to be happy, I'm sure. He's almost as bad as Udina. You should have heard him when I called them the other day. The first thing he did was issue me a command."

Ashley flinched at the mention of Udina and Shepard's face fell. "Sorry, Ash, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay. I just don't like to be reminded of when I almost shot you."

Instead of answering, Kallian leaned forward and kissed Ashley's neck, causing her to groan. She grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the bed, letting them forget for a while about the past and what the next day would bring.

…

"If there's one thing this war has proved, it's that we are all stronger together than separate. Every species worked together to end this war, just like every individual worked together. That includes. I didn't end this war, _We_ ended this war. We means the krogan, the elcor, the hanar, the volus, the quarians, the geth, the rachni, the asari, the turians, humanity, the salarians brave enough to disregard the Dalatras, and even the batarians. So don't look to me as the hero, look to yourselves. Each and every one of you played an essential part in our victory, whether it was by protecting your family or others, serving in the military, helping refugees, gathering supplies, or just by fighting back, we all did our part.

I ask that we not disunite now that the war is over. Separate we are alone. Together we are strong. So I am going to propose a new kind of Council, a Council that doesn't disallow other species from serving for not having a powerful military or for past wrongs. Without the strength of the krogan, this war would have been lost. They didn't have to fight with us. But they did even though the galaxy had nearly committed a genocide on them with the genocide. And without the economic support of the volus, we would have been in shambles. They deserve equality, they deserve a voice and a say in the decisions that involve them. And with all the species represented on the Council, our unity can remain strong.

I do not propose this as a Spectre, a Captain, or the war hero some have called me. I propose this as simply a human with the interests of not every human, but every person at the forefront of my mind. Don't destroy the only good that came out of this war. That's all I ask."

Silence reined at the end of Shepard's speech, until a soldier in the crowd stood and saluted. Others followed until every person in the audience, civilian or soldier, stood saluting the former Commander. Then they started cheering.

Ashley stood on the side of the balcony. She met Shepard's eyes and she smiled and nodded her head.

Just as the shot rang out, Kallian turned to walk towards Ashley. Thus the bullet hit her in the side instead of in the chest where it would have hit.

The cheers turned into screams as Shepard fell and blood pooled everywhere. A second shot sounded, but with Shepard already on the ground, it missed.

Ashley didn't think about the possibility of other shots, and neither did Garrus or Liara. The three of them instantly ran to Shepard's side. She was awake, breathing, but slowly.

Tears running down her face, Ashley grabbed her hand as Liara pressed down on the wound. Garrus lifted her in his arms and ran, not to the hospital, but to the docking bay where the Normandy waited. With all the crowds, there was no way an evac team would get there in time. And he didn't know if she'd be safe at Huerta. When a C-Sec officer stepped in to intercept them, Garrus growled and shoved past him.

Doctor Chakwas had been watching the speech from the crew deck, and so when they arrived she was ready. Somehow she knew that it would be her that they would take Shepard to. The Normandy took care of its own. Her face paled at the sight of all the blood, and she immediately ordered everyone but Liara out of the med bay.

"Liara, get me the tongs, the bullet is still in there."

Lying on the table, Shepard did not look good. Ashley the rest of the crew stood at the medbay window until Chakwas dimmed the windows. She would need to cut Shepard out of her uniform.

While Liara held Shepard down, Chakwas removed the bullet. Kallian passed out from the pain, and Liara injected morphine while the doctor set to cleaning and closing the wound. An hour later she walked outside to announce the captain's status.

"She's still critical, but I think she is going to make it. Ashley, if you can be quiet, you can see her now. I injected her with a sedative, but I don't want to risk her waking."

With a quick glance at Garrus, Ashley went to join Liara.


End file.
